Fat Goblins

They do exist. I tell you. Many people think they are old myths like the existence of Bigfoot, or Godzilla, or a tasty fat-free anything (lets be honest....anything that's fat free is a joke. Fat-free and tasty are pretty much antonymns). But no matter your personal beliefs, I am here to tell you that the fat goblins are real.

According to the highly reputable source Wikipedia, a goblin is a legendary evil or mischievous creature, described as grotesquely evil. They are said to possess various nefarious abilities, and are usually depicted as small, sometimes only a few inches tall. They also often are said to possess various magical abilities. In this case, the fat goblin (a nasty little species, believe me) does indeed have magical abilities.

As you might think, the fat goblins use their magic to make you feel hungry even when you really aren't. The moment food is in front of you, or near your, or even when a picture is nearby that happens to look incredibly delicious, they start their evil magic. You instantly want some of whatever the thing is, and you will want more of it depending on how tasty and delicious the thing may be. You then eat and are overfilled and get fat.

Why might do they do this you may ask? Its quite simple really. They are fatties themselves, but are forced to live in the brain and cant eat, which sucks, so they just make you eat lots and lots because they are unhappy so why shouldn't you be too huh? And besides, the brain is a cramped place and they have to do SOMETHING to have fun.

Many people try to say that they can't exist in the brain because the conditions are not right. But these people are sadly mistaken, and end up unhappy and obese. Everyone knows that creatures such as these live under bridges (3 billy goats gruff. look it up.). Well, they actually live right beneath the Corpus callosum, which is considered to be the bridge between the two lobes of the brain. The corpus callosum rests right over the choroid plexus, which is the part of the brain that produces cerebrospinal fluid. And just below that is the Third Ventricle, quite literally a river of cerebrospinal fluid that is being pumped throughout the brain. Clearly the conditions are more that adequate. And to top it all off, it's pretty dark in there. Goblins LOVE the dark.

In 2007, the obesity rate in America was 26.6%. A shocking number. But what many fail to realize is that they aren't to blame at all. The fat goblins told them to do it. They couldn't help it! And many people also fail to realize that of the 26.6% of these obese Americans, 80% are actually not humans at all, but pigs. This is due to the fact that 20% of Americans are actually blind.

How do you get rid of the fat goblins? Sadly, you don't. Many people have to suffer long years with the fat goblins and their trickery. "Oh, you have to diet and exercise," many people say. But all that does is stave off the effects of the fat goblins' magic, namely fatness. The desire is still there. The best way to counter their magical attacks is to eat things that are healthy. Go ahead and let them tell you to eat. Just eat things with a lower fat content and they won't be able to get at you. Another option for dealing with the fat goblins is to remove one's head. But as this usually ends in extreme discomfort and sometimes death, health professionals discourage this practice.

Well, I hope you have learned something today. Most people have no idea that they have fat goblins living inside them. But hopefully, through the spread of information, we can learn to defeat them. Help those of us who suffer find a cure. Thank you.

Well, I'm off to Wendys! Ciao!